Perhaps Issac Hayes best described Mr. CandyCanes when he wrote, "he's a complicated man, and nobody understands him but his woman, SHAFT!" Unfortunately, Mr. CandyCanes has no woman, and is thus completely indecipherable. What we do know, however, is that he managed to rise from the ditches of Port Posterior to the riches of Twin Cheeks by less than legal means.
In the urban jungle where any day could have been his last, he saw a way out. A way which ended up producing his alias, Mr. CandyCanes. Simon, as he was still known, would find small children and steal candy from them. His business aquantinces remember him always saying "The smaller the child, the easi...oh my my my...look at the size of that lollipop! That kid's going down!" After stealing the candy from children, he would sell it on the streets at a price that couldn't be beat. Yet what would ultimately lead him to riches beyond his imagination would also make some stops at the darkest points of his life.
While "running his game" he forgot the number one rule; never get a sugar high on your own supply. By the time his friends found him in a back alley, he already had 11 cavities. Doctors said that he'd never walk again, but Mr. CandyCanes, as he had been dubbed by the local authorities, wouldn't give up. After months physical therapy seemingly yielded no results, it looked like CandyCanes had turned to religion. After only one week of praying, he "regained" the ability to walk. While doctors stood shocked saying that it couldn't be, Mr. CandyCanes ran out of the hospital (as he apparently has a tendency to do) without paying the bill. In a later interview CandyCanes revealed that he had actually been able to walk for quite sometime, but had found that at night he was able to sneak into childrens' rooms in the hospital and steal their candy, which he then stockpiled so he could get back into "the game". The time he spent praying, was, in truth, only a distraction so he wouldn't have to pay the large bill that had accumulated during his nine month stay.
After he sold the candy from the hospital, he had enough money to retire at age 34 in Twin Cheeks. But Mr. CandyCanes was still not content, he wanted something more. Using his substantial earnings, he was able to buy a microphone and a baseball bat. With these two items, he managed to get a track from the award winning producer, Dr. BootyBot, and put out his first, and thus far only song. We all await his upcoming album "Post Posterior". |
